crystal tears

i have been left stutteringly wordless. language abandons me in my time of greatest need. i have noticed that i truly do live in a world of black and white. words surround me, lift me, push me on. and then, when i need them to create a smoke screen, to help me blind myself, they lose their power. and the mist clears and i am left shivering and alone on my pebble surrounded by a shifting mass of reality with which i simply find myself unable to cope.

if i could speak to him, i wouldn't know what to say, or do. i would only shiver.

i wish i had an emotion pensieve. if the emotion became too much to bear, we could drain it away, until we once again felt numb. instead, we have drugs - a colourful mirage to throw over our emotions, to stifle them. weed is great for pain, i've noticed. it gives one this effortless floating sensation, makes one go, 'pain? ha, what pain? i laugh in the face of pain!' Unfortunately, lack of feeling frightens me as much as pain does. without feeling, even if that feeling is pain, how do we know that we're alive. so i can only stumble forward through this pain, and hope that i make it through the dusk.

i have an inkling of what i might say to him now.
I miss the feel of your hair through my fingers, your arms around me, your eyes, the sound of your whisper. i miss your faith, your grace, you strength. i miss your hands, your smile. i miss dancing with you and driving with you. i miss talking to you, i miss your fingers in MY hair. i miss your hug. i miss your heart. i miss a piece of my heart, the piece i gave to you, where there is now nothing but a hole. i miss you.