i remain uninspired. as much as i wish for a bolt of lightning to brilliantly illuminate my life, and to jumpstart my soul (or brain), the lightning persists in its absence and i remain a lost and lone traveller sitting in my corner drawing angel after angel in the dark, blinded by the repetition of my ever continuing circle of mundane actions.
i long for a vacuum in which to be allowed to simply rattle about in my cluttered head, to unpick the threaded knots and to decide what i actually think. i have a desire to KNOW everything and yet i lack the will to learn. The Unbearable Lightness sits unfinished alongside countless other half-read and discarded books despite the fact the i yearn to read each and every page of each and every book in the growing pile next to my bed.
all i want right now is to quit my job, to retreat into my room and to hibernate until my mind can catch up with me. the life of a hermit beckons with an intensity unlike any other. although i must admit that once james has left, i will feel bereaved and abandoned; of this i am entirely certain.
i suppose i must simply plod along and have faith that the lightning will strike. please please please may it strike.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Thursday, November 22, 2007
She bounces
frolics.
She
dances
on the axis
of a world spun too fast
upside-down.
Symmetry a b a n doned
crashes and BANGS
into colours iridescent
topsyturvybright
that sing like birds
in gilded gold cages sing.
She is
the hiss
of bacon fried
in a too-hot pan,
roars like rain
drumming droplets
on a red tin roof,
rises like heat from tar
on a still stifling summer’s night.
She is
a jazz tune
waltzing – onetwothree – down a jetty,
a girl soaring on a swing.
J O Y.

frolics.
She
dances
on the axis
of a world spun too fast
upside-down.
Symmetry a b a n doned
crashes and BANGS
into colours iridescent
topsyturvybright
that sing like birds
in gilded gold cages sing.
She is
the hiss
of bacon fried
in a too-hot pan,
roars like rain
drumming droplets
on a red tin roof,
rises like heat from tar
on a still stifling summer’s night.
She is
a jazz tune
waltzing – onetwothree – down a jetty,
a girl soaring on a swing.
J O Y.

Vertigo
I find it fitting to start my first blog with Milan Kundera and a little Nietsche.
'Anyone whose goal is 'something higher' must expect someday to suffer vertigo. What is vertigo? Fear of falling? No, Vertigo is something other than fear of falling. It is the voice of the emptiness below us which tempts and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified, we defend ourselves.'-Milan Kundera, 'The Unbearable Lightness of Being'
'When you stare into the abyss the abyss stares back at you.' -Friedrich Nietzsche
I have been pondering these quotations recently largely because of their growing relevance, the way they speak to me. I decided long ago to live my life in such a way that i would never rely or depend too heavily on anyone...never have burdens, in other words, to be as light as a feather. and i thought that it would be easier than living with burdens and connections. well, as far as i was concerned, living the opposite way didn't work, and though loyal i have this overwhelming desire to be free and thus retreat rapidly from any potentially claustrophobic situation. as you can imagine, it can be rather damaging to relationships. However, recently there has been a beckoning from below to fall from my perch.
In the opening pages of The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Kundera ponders the complexity of the two extremes, living a burdened life, or living a light, carefree one, and he questions the notion that lightness would be truly be best, for surely a life without any burden becomes meaningless, and in this emptiness, unbearable.
I, for one, have always had problems with strong emotions. i have a tendency to bottle them up and then to release them in one explosive BANG. Intimacy, and the trust that necessarily comes with it, has always been an issue. As soon as the chances of intimacy become too great, i pick up and ship off.
However, even birds need to come to the ground sometimes, and it was only a matter of time before i would look into the abyss below and feel the desire to fall fall fall into it - vertigo (see Kundera's quote above). And i have, and that dark billowing darkness is beckoning to me. And the more i stare at it, the more it stares at me and so we are locked in a fierce battle of wills and forces, or to be precise, i am locked in a fierce battle of wills...to fall or not to fall. To jump or not to jump. even more existentially, to be or not to be.
'Anyone whose goal is 'something higher' must expect someday to suffer vertigo. What is vertigo? Fear of falling? No, Vertigo is something other than fear of falling. It is the voice of the emptiness below us which tempts and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified, we defend ourselves.'-Milan Kundera, 'The Unbearable Lightness of Being'
'When you stare into the abyss the abyss stares back at you.' -Friedrich Nietzsche
I have been pondering these quotations recently largely because of their growing relevance, the way they speak to me. I decided long ago to live my life in such a way that i would never rely or depend too heavily on anyone...never have burdens, in other words, to be as light as a feather. and i thought that it would be easier than living with burdens and connections. well, as far as i was concerned, living the opposite way didn't work, and though loyal i have this overwhelming desire to be free and thus retreat rapidly from any potentially claustrophobic situation. as you can imagine, it can be rather damaging to relationships. However, recently there has been a beckoning from below to fall from my perch.
In the opening pages of The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Kundera ponders the complexity of the two extremes, living a burdened life, or living a light, carefree one, and he questions the notion that lightness would be truly be best, for surely a life without any burden becomes meaningless, and in this emptiness, unbearable.
I, for one, have always had problems with strong emotions. i have a tendency to bottle them up and then to release them in one explosive BANG. Intimacy, and the trust that necessarily comes with it, has always been an issue. As soon as the chances of intimacy become too great, i pick up and ship off.
However, even birds need to come to the ground sometimes, and it was only a matter of time before i would look into the abyss below and feel the desire to fall fall fall into it - vertigo (see Kundera's quote above). And i have, and that dark billowing darkness is beckoning to me. And the more i stare at it, the more it stares at me and so we are locked in a fierce battle of wills and forces, or to be precise, i am locked in a fierce battle of wills...to fall or not to fall. To jump or not to jump. even more existentially, to be or not to be.
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